Just Some Pics...

Have A Happy 4th!

Damien Dempsey "Colony"

We need to talk...

It's not you it's me. You mean a lot to me and the time we have spent together was precious. I just don't think things can continue the way they were. Another wonderful blogger coined the phrase "Blogging Energy Units", basically saying that a person only has so much energy for blogging in them. I think I have exceeded my BEUs.

I have come to a decision about my blogging. While I am not quitting blogging I have decided not to post on a regular basis anymore. I don't foresee a future where I start blogging regularly again, but that's not to say that it won't happen. I don't see myself abandoning my blog either.

It was beginning to feel like a chore. I don't want that. The fellow who discovered BEUs also theorized that you could expend them by reading and commenting on other blogs as well. To put it simply keeping up with thirty plus blogs (no matter how much I enjoyed them) was becoming a chore as well. My life is moving on and something had to give.

I do still want to be friends. I'll keep in touch by posting now and again. I'll also drop by your place every once and a while. I might not comment as much. But it's like I said before, things simply couldn't continue the way they were going.

Things are going pretty well. My new computer works wonderfully and after about three visits from the cable company my internet connection is solid. I am still addicted to Facecrack (commonly known as Facebook) but its luster is fading. Still it's the best way I know of to keep in touch with my widely scattered friends.

I'm still not smoking. I just celebrated reaching the three month mark the other day. I am still hooked on Halls cough drops and sugarless bubblegum however.

I am still painting. I do plan to post pics of my finished works in the future. Right now I am working on an unplanned abstract. I am doing this because I want to paint but got stuck on the composition of the painting I intended to do. I have the top half worked out perfectly. It is even sketched on the canvas. The bottom half is giving me pure hell though. It's funny, I think art is the only area in life where ignoring the problem for a while works in your favor. I hope to return to the sketch for the other painting with new eyes once I finish this one.

I have been taking lots and lots of pictures. The garden at my apartment is thriving (again this is because I have nothing to do with it). Every week new flowers bloom for me to photograph. I am also enjoying having Photoshop once again to edit them in. I am very lucky in that a sweet soul I hardly know hooked me up with the program.

Therapy is going well though I have run into some problems with the happy pill doctor. When I saw my therapist yesterday I shared my concerns (which she agreed were quite valid) and she also took copious notes. I'm glad to have something on record. Basically he wants to mess with my drug regimen. This is not something I am cool with; especially when the one I am on is working so well.

I don't think the doc like my questioning his methods. I have a feeling that most of his patients do not question him much, if at all. Well I am not most other patients and I think he is beginning to realize that.

Not much else to report really… Life moves on and quickly at that. I'll be back, but can't say when. I wish you all a wonderful summer.

Thanks to LadyStyx for the quitting award!

Clean Energy

I signed a petition urging Congress to strengthen the clean energy jobs bill. Can you join me?

Swan Hum

Well my computer is all set up. I still have to get a cable for my printer but other than that all systems are go. I think I can even say that I have gotten use to Vista. It's not so bad. It's no XP either but I'd rather have Vista and my shiny new machine, than XP and my dying one (which I still need to wipe clean and recycle).

I learned something interesting when I saw my therapist last week. She isn't simply seeing patients on the side; she is starting up her own practice. I have to say that I am proud of her. It is one thing to set up a private practice for folks who have insurance. It is another altogether to set up a practice just so you can continue to see Medicare patients. The woman has now achieved sainthood in my eyes. I also learned that while the therapists aren't seeing us Medicare folk at the clinic the happy pill doctor still is, so that's nice.

It was another vent session. I know, I know, you can't always have breakthroughs. It seems all I have done lately is vent though. I told my therapist about my lack of internet connection (which didn't get fixed until that evening), and that finding my center could damn well wait until I was plugged in again. I also told her that I was damn tired of being in a foul mood at the drop of a hat. I said that I hoped that the psychological withdrawal would end soon because I had had quite enough thank you.

I said that I was more than in touch with my inner bitch. To which my therapist replied, "Yeah, and your outer one too." We both laughed our asses off. I love that woman.

Quite honestly I think the withdrawal is about over. I feel better mentally and rarely catch myself thinking that it is time for a cigarette. It has been over two months and I am officially proud of myself. This time it's for good folks. I am still heavily addicted to Halls cough drops however.

I am also coming around to real life. I no longer feel like I am in a mental fog, so busy distracting myself that I am not actually "all there". I am getting ready to start my next painting. In fact as a gift to myself for making it to my two month anniversary I bought two new tubes of paint and a brush. I feel like I am in the "real world" a little more.

I am really looking forward to this summer. I couldn't tell you why exactly, other than the fact that I love warm weather. I do know at the end of the summer I am doing something that I am very much looking forward to. I am going to Dragon*Con again. For those of you who don't know, Dragon*Con is a Sci-Fi/Fantasy convention held in Atlanta every Labor Day weekend.

I went back in 2007 and had a blast. I was going to go last year but my room fell through at the last moment, gas went up to $4 a gallon, and I had to call the trip off. I didn't think I was going to go this year until recently. There was a great debate raging in my head for weeks. I finally got a friend to lend me the money for the ticket (which would have been a good bit cheaper if I had made up my mind to go earlier), I was basically threatened with bodily harm if I didn't show up, I have a solid place to stay (and on the remote chance that falls through I even have a back-up room), and Obama gave me some money.

God bless our President for remembering the poor in the stimulus bill. Anyone receiving Social Security got an extra $250 this month. I have to tell you that a large part of me was yelling at myself to stash the money aside for practical things. My car will need an oil change soonish. I really need a new pair of short boots (the ones I have are twelve years old and falling apart), and a new pair of Converse All Stars (the only shoe I am picky about, no other sneaker will do). My current pair of All Stars has a hole in them. It is on the side of the shoe however and not in the sole so I can deal for a while. And of course there is always the fact that Christmas is coming. Given my budget I start planning for it around July or August.

Practical Whim got a big beat-down on this matter, with some help from my friends of course. My therapist even thinks that it is a good idea for me to go. She pointed out that the money was meant to be spent. I couldn't argue with that. Practical Whim is still yelling in the back of my mind, but she is easily ignored on this. My mind is made up. I am damned stubborn when my mind is made up.

My life is moving on. I can feel it, but I can't point to anything tangible (aside from the quitting). I feel my priorities are shifting. This has an impact on my blogging. I still don't feel like I am going to call it quits just yet. I may in the future, I may not. I may post sporadically, or not at all. I'm playing it by ear. This is a difficult thing to do even if it's not permanent.

I have grown very fond of my blog pals. Despite my severe neglect I consider you to be my friends and I have and will miss you. Other things are calling to me right now though. And it is quite likely that I will be called back to the blogosphere. I don't think this is a goodbye at all. It is not a swan song. The swan is just humming for a little while until the path becomes clear.

The swan might not be singing but I shall leave you with a song. It's an old favorite of mine. I loved it the first time I heard it. The song is "Real World" by Matchbox 20. The lyrics are embedded in the video. I apologize for the errors and the poor grammar in advance. It's still a cool song. And until I come back for good I hope the real world brings nothing but wonderful things to you my friends.

Peace and love,
Whim

Confessions On An Internet Addict

Three days!!! Three whole days without the internet… My dear and fluffy Lord I knew that I do loves me my interwebs, I know that I check my email compulsively, I had no idea that three days without access would make me this crazy. It did give me time to type this so I had something to post. It did give me time to actually read a book and get to know my computer (somewhat).

Fuck that! I went three days without net access. I am an addict and I know it. I don't want any help however. I just want to be plugged in. What did I do before I had a computer and net access? I honestly don't remember so it must have been boring.

Let's start at the beginning shall we.

So I got my shiny new computer. I'm not too sure that I am overly fond of Vista. I don't like that when you minimize the media player the control buttons don't show up in the taskbar (or if they can, I don't know how to set it up). I do not like the fact that when I go to defragment my computer it won't show me how much it needs to be defragmented. I am a visual person. I like to be able to see the red lines. I also don't like the fucking computer asking for my permission to do every damn thing.

Of course I don't think I'd have been this grumpy if I could have connected to the fucking internet. Now that is not the fault of the people who made my computer. That lies squarely on the shoulders of my cable company.

Now being the anal creature that I am I called the cable company before I took down my old computer. The moron I talked to said that I just needed to power down my modem, set up my new computer, power my modem back up, and then I'd be good to go. Uh no…

I call the cable company again and talk to another moron who broke rule one for pissing me the fuck off to the point I will be rude; they didn't listen to what I was saying. I suppose it doesn't matter because the call gets "cut off" when she was trying to "help" me. Was it on purpose? Who knows?

I call again pissed as hell. I apologize immediately to the poor person on the phone who had the bad luck to receive my call. They tell me that they can fix the problem without a doubt. I explain the situation and talk to them for about thirty minutes. Then that fucking moron says that he'll transfer my call to someone in the wireless division and they can help me.

So I am patched through to Joe (not his real name). Now I am not one who usually bitches about outsourcing, but I was damn glad to be speaking to an American. I, in a completely exasperated and annoyed tone I'm sure, tell him everything I told the other three morons. I make sure to include the fact that I was cut off once and felt like none of previous morons that I had talked to had actually listened to what I was saying. He apologized profusely and we set about figuring out what was going on. It took about ten minutes.

It turns out that I was left the wrong disc by the cable internet guy. I am told it would be quicker if another technician came by than if the disc was mailed to me. I am also told that would not happen until Thursday. It being Tuesday I swear profusely (at the situation and not the guy on the phone, I made sure he knew this).

Well Joe starts to offer me a deal because of all the trouble I've been through. He said he could have the technician set me up with three free months of digital cable. I say thanks but no thanks. I tell him I am on a fixed income and did not want to get used to something I could not afford.

Joe pulls up my account and sees that I am getting a deal on my current internet/cable. I explain how that came about and he gets curious. Joe wants the whole story. I asked him just exactly how bored he is (very apparently, though he didn't say so) and tell him the story.

I get the whole I am a very inspiring person speech. He then offers me digital cable and internet for just three bucks more a month than I am paying now. The price will be locked in for two years. I say yes of course. He also gives me his email address in case anything goes wrong. My cable company is going to hear a lot of good things about him.

Now the shiny things about my computer… As I mentioned before my monitor is nicer than my TV (and now that I have it and digital cable I want a nicer TV of course). I can put all of the music that I want to on my computer and it barely even makes a dent in the hard drive (640GB). It is super fast and I can do many things at the same time. When I do all of these things it does not crash or freeze.

One thing I do like about Vista is the Start Menu. Seriously I think it works a lot better than the old kind. At first I didn't like the icon bar (if that's what it's called) at the top but I have gotten used to it. And I hope I don't sound like a complete idiot (I'm not, parts of me are missing) but I think the aurora screen saver is cool.

Most of the stuff on my computer was pointless though without access to the net. Hell I couldn't set up half of the stuff on my computer because I couldn't get online.

It turns out that it was more than just a missing disc that kept me from connecting to the web. I couldn't tell you what the other problem was. I'll be spending the weekend catching up on my email, setting up new programs, and having fun with my shiny new computer.

I still don't have Photoshop though. :-/

The 411

Thank you Tori for giving me this award! Apparently Tori figured out how to get me to visit her blog; tell me you have something for me. :-) I am honored that she thinks I deserve this award, especially given my lack of posting lately.

As always I am supposed to pass this award along. The thing is when I give out an award half the time people do not post it. So I tell you what, if you are still reading this blog and will actually post this award, it is yours. If I read your blog I consider it to be award winning anyway. Uh, that is when I actually read blogs.

I have decided to post once a week for now. I'm sure I'll go back to my usual bi-weekly posting but I couldn't tell you when. Things are slowly starting to get settled for me and I should be back to some sort of a routine by next month (I hope).

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To all of those who touted the allergy pills that help clear you up, I hate you. Okay not really, but I am a bit jealous. I take two pills (Xyzal and Singulair) and one nasal spray (Astelin) and I still go through hell every spring and during ragweed season as well.

I've had bad allergies since I was little. In fact one of my first memories is getting tested when I was three. They didn't have the scratch test back then. I got shots, over thirty of them on my back. I also pitched a fit.

Ah well at least I outgrew my food allergies. I also live in the worst place in the US if you have allergies. The plant diversity is almost equal to the Amazon rainforest. People who have never had allergies before will move here and get them. It is worth it to live here though.

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My computer is still acting up, a lot. I am pretty sure the hard drive is corrupted. I do have everything backed-up. I back up my files obsessively because I am obsessive and my hard drive has very little space.

I know there are tests I can run but I'm not going to do them until I get my new computer. That's right, my Aunt and Uncle are buying me a new one (many thank yous and blessings to them). Dell is building it as we speak and it is fast and powerful. It should be here by the end of the month. I am hoping this one can hold out until then.

When I do get the new computer I'll test this hard drive. That way if it crashes it's no big deal. Also if the drive is not corrupted (then there is no telling WTF is going on, it's not a virus or malware) maybe I can find someone to install this drive into an expansion slot on my Dell. Why? Because I need Photoshop and it is expensive as hell. Even if I get the version I have now (which is an older version, CS2) it is $400.

If this hard drive is corrupted then I will find a way to get a hold of Photoshop somehow. Yes I know there are a lot of programs out there that are "like Photoshop", and some are even free. I've looked at all of them and not even one comes close to having all of the features I need.

BTW, my new monitor is nicer than my current TV.

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I saw my doctor last week and got a referral to see a neurologist. My appointment is in, get this, September... I plan on calling them and asking to be placed on the cancellation list so if someone can't make an appointment I can get in to see someone earlier.

My doctor was thrilled that I have quit. Then she brings up exercising! I'm already doing something I hate. Couldn't she just say "Good Job!" and leave that comment for my next visit. Seriously!

My doctor was also happy to hear that I was able to tie the weight loss to my anxiety. There was a look of utter relief when I told her that my inability to regulate my body temperature was due to my burns and I would stop bugging her about it. She also agreed to take over the happy pill duties when the time comes.

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So I heard that person who is running that store (see Artwork link in my sidebar) will be closing it July 22nd. If you want something you have until then to get it. I suppose now is not a good time to sell artwork. Ah well, the economy is still pretty bad.

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I hope everyone is doing well and enjoying the spring weather. I am slowly getting it together and should be back to "normal" soonish. Have a great weekend!

I Hate Spring, And Clearing Some Things Up (sadly not my nose)

Truly I do... Most of the day today I could only breathe out of one nostril, that is when I was not having a marathon sneezing session. Those of you who have allergies know what I am talking about. Those of you who don’t… Well I don’t hate you but if you were near me right now I might beat you with a bag of hard candy.

It is almost more annoying to have one clogged nostril then to have them both rendered useless by pollen. When it’s both you just breathe through your mouth. When it’s just one of your nostrils that isn't functioning then you still try to breathe through your nose with limited results.

And it is almost better not to try and draw air into your body through your nose. For when you do succeed in the Herculean task, it only results in a bout of sneezing so severe you begin to wonder if it is possible to do actual bodily harm to yourself by sneezing.

Screw the pretty flowers and the warm weather. Spring sucks and pollen is evil. For those of you who are new to this blog, welcome to my yearly rant (usually picked up again at some point during ragweed season); for my long-time readers thanks for bearing with me yet again.

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As for the smoking, or rather quitting, there are a few things I need to clear up from my last post. First, I had a large bag of hard candy in my hand already when the pharmacy tech pissed me off. Since I have quit smoking I usually buy hard candy when in a store.

Second, I might actually be losing money by quitting. I rolled my own cigarettes and spent less than $30 a month on the habit. I think I am spending more than that now on candy, gum, and Halls. I am backing off of the candy. After a while I will back off of the gum. I think I might be addicted to Halls now though.

Third, I do not use nicotine replacement because I know from experience that it tends to do more harm than good where I am concerned. I quit best cold turkey; if you count quitting for six and a half month twice as truly quitting.

I see my doctor on Thursday. I can’t wait to tell her between sneezes that I have quit. I also can not wait to get that referral. I truly fucked my neck up cleaning my apartment. It’s what I get for pushing myself. Don’t worry I am not in much pain. My arms just get tingly every once and a while.

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You know how I said I’d be by your blog this weekend. Well there is something I need to tell you… I have been seeing someone else. It’s this application on Facecrack, I mean Facebook, that I am truly hooked on.

It is called Dog World. On the plus side playing helps the SPCA save dogs; on the minus side I am there all the time. You get a dog and a yard and you can decorate them (yes the dog too, mine has a Mohawk and spiked collar); this appeals to both my creative side and my obsessive nature.

Every time I get the yard perfect I start all over again. I am in the top ten for stars (what someone gives you if they like your yard). This is no excuse for not visiting though and I am so sorry. Another plus is that I completely forget about smoking while on it. Another minus is that I forget about everything else

I guess right now my center is in a virtual yard moving pixilated plants around. I don’t think it will be this way for long though.

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I am beginning the hunt for a new computer tomorrow. I plan on going to some local stores to talk technical with the staff. I figure I’ll get better answers there than from a big chain store. If possible I’d like to buy from one of them. Having a computer built might actually be the way to go. We’ll see. This computer is crashing or freezing (sometimes both) on a daily basis now.

Right now I’ll be asking Mac vs. PC and laptop vs. desktop questions. After gathering all of my info I will take it from there.

Since I have addressed my serious case of bloglect I might as well bring this up. I am considering only posting once a week. I am not quite sold on the idea yet but it is a possibility. To be honest the idea of quitting blogging altogether has crossed my mind. It is a thought that I didn’t entertain for long though.

Anyway, I thought I’d leave you with a picture of who I’ve been seeing on the side. His name is Montag. In the description I put that he likes to throw books into fires. No one has picked up on the reference though. Maybe they would if I put a firefighter’s helmet on Montag but I like his Mohawk. I know that you guys are savvy enough to pick up on the reference.

BTW, the poorly rendered purple thing at the bottom is the symbol for understanding (as in I hope you understand and forgive my bloglect).

Finding The Center And Pictures Of Lilies

My visit to Tennessee went well enough. It was good to see my family and stay at my Cousin's. I find it both ironic and refreshing however to know that after spending a week with Evangelicals one of my Netflix movies for this weekend is Religulous.

The flowers were blooming (they are about two weeks ahead there from where I live spring-wise), and I took a lot of pictures. In fact I took almost 200 pictures (it's amazing how many you'll take when film isn't involved). What is funny, and maybe says a lot about me, is that not one of those pictures is of a person. I took pictures of flowers, trees in bloom, and two cats.

There was plenty of drama, but that was at the end of the trip when my Mom went back to my Sister's. My Sister did something totally out of line and I called her on it. I think she might not be speaking to me right now. I don't really think I care either (boy that sounds cold). I'm not going to go into the entire saga but I will say this; next time my Mom or Sister have a problem with the other I'll tell them to keep me out of it.

While some things have been going well for me others have not. I passed my yearly inspection for rental assistance. I honestly can't recall ever having passed two years in a row. I know I said I wouldn't bring this up but I am an expert at doing things I said I wouldn't; it has been five weeks since I have had a cigarette. My Cousin smokes (outside though) and I was only tempted once while I was staying with him to have a cigarette. I even sat outside with him and was not bothered by his smoking.

It has been a tough battle. When I saw my happy pill doctor before I left to go to Tennessee he mentioned how in all of his years of practice he had never had a patient suffering from anxiety quit smoking. My thought was, "Well I have always been a dumbass that has to do things the hard way."
I think the fact that I have quit is playing a bit into what I am going through right now. Things are getting better. I have lost the urge to kill (a CVS pharmacy tech came closer than she'll ever know to getting beaten to death with a bag of hard candy). I still have the urge to beat the everlasting shit out of people. Granted I felt like that sometimes when I did smoke, just not as often as I do now. I'm sure it too will pass.

I have been busy and distracted lately. All of this has me feeling very off center. I don't like being this busy. I told someone the other day that I only had three days to myself until next month (then I have to do all of the beginning of the month crap). He works and made the mistake of pointing out that he was in the same boat. If he had been in the room with me he would have been severely beaten (but not killed) with a bag of hard candy.

This person has a full-time job. I do not. I know the "average" person would think my life is a leisurely one. And compared to a "normal" life mine is quite slow. To me however not having enough time to myself or to do the things I love (like say painting, reading blogs, or blogging properly) can really get to me.

When I saw my therapist today I told her I needed to find my center and then figure out what to work on next. She laughed at me and said, "What you need to do next is find your center." She also pointed out that I have made amazing progress over the past couple of years. I thanked her and pointed out that she has been a big part of my recovery. I am so glad I am not going to lose her when the clinic stops seeing Medicare patients.

I am proud of what I have accomplished. I also know I need to find some balance in my life to accomplish whatever comes next. I'll be working hard on finding a solution. I really can't wait to get back to blogging properly and even more, painting again.

Speaking of painting, my Mom found this old watercolor piece that I did and brought it to me. I thought I'd share it. I'll probably see something like it pop up in that store that is not mine yet sells artwork that looks an awful lot like mine (Artwork in the sidebar links). I'm not sure how much longer the store will be around though. From what I hear it is not turning much of a profit.

Anyway, right now I am taking each day as it comes. I'm sure I'll find a balance soon. I don't like feeling so harried and discombobulated. I'll also be by your blogs again; I'm hoping to stop by this weekend sometime.

It is ironic as hell to me that I feel off center partially because of some recent progress that I have made in life (quitting, joining the burn group, getting out more). Now to continue to make progress I need to find the center once again. It's a damn good thing that I appreciate irony.

Back But Busy

Much to do with little time to do it in. You can play with this until I get back (instructions below).

The fish follows your mouse but there is more:

If you click on the right side of the screen you can change the background. If you click on the left side you can change the fish.

Have fun!