Learning To Fly*
Some updates before I get to the topic at hand.
I am adjusting to my new glasses. I still have some odd focusing moments, and I need to go have my glasses adjusted because they are a little loose and slightly crooked, but otherwise I like them a lot (and thank you for all of your compliments on them).
I finally got my referral to see the endocrinologist. The appointment is in September. *rolls eyes*
I get to see my therapist again today. I think I have managed well without her. She is in for an earful when I see her though. I have missed our sessions and the wisdom and insight I have gained from them. We have a lot of catching up to do and I think that is a good thing.
I was working on my book the other night and I got thoroughly pissed off and had to put it down. I was at the part about my involuntary commitment, and the crappy treatment I got at the outpatient clinic. I don’t think I’ll have my first draft finished as soon as I thought I would. This is the hard part and I am slacking off now and then (slack on, slack off, The Slacker!). I need to just get to it.
Anyway I became completely convinced that my writing is total and utter crap. Don’t worry, this does not mean that I am going to stop working. Then I got an email from my Mom. She had sent me the part she had written as a contribution to my book. She is the first one to do so. Getting the others I’ve asked to contribute to cooperate is like herding cats. Oh well, I am asking them for a favor after all. And I digress as always…
I read what my Mom had written. Changes had to be made. Most of them were minor grammatical errors. I have discovered that my otherwise intelligent Mother is a habitual comma abuser. Granted I tend to under use commas. I had an English teacher drill it into my head that it is better to under use commas rather than over use them. I also tend to write like I talk, in run on sentences.
So I fixed my Mom’s mistakes, corrected her on a couple of facts she got wrong, and sent it back to her for her approval. I know I did not change much but I still wanted an ok from her. Her reply was “Wow, this really flows well now.” It hit me that I might be good at this writing thing after all. I also remembered my Mom telling me for as long as I can remember that my 3rd grade teacher swore I would be a best-selling author when I grew up.
I have always dreamed of writing, but fiction. Not the story of my own life. Dreams change though. Do you remember when you dreamed as a kid? I used to dream of flying all the time. I think the last time I dreamt about flying was in college. If I remember correctly I grabbed the top of a tree in my dream to keep myself from going too high. I haven’t had a flying dream since. On the flip side at least I haven’t had a falling dream either (Thank you God!).
Things change though don’t they? That’s life. I have so many changes facing me right now. It’s like I am learning to fly. I will do my best to keep myself from holding onto something, holding myself back. It is frightening and exhilarating.
A big change has to do with my personal life. It’s tied to the visitor I have coming in a couple of weeks. I am very excited. I am also putting myself out there at a time when I feel very vulnerable. I’m pretty sure I am in good hands though. I’ll get into it more later. Right now it is really too soon to talk about that.
Another couple of changes have to do with my work at the Red Cross. One is just minor but kind of an honor. I have been allowed to do some data entry in the accounting area (donations mainly). Usually they don’t have volunteers do this kind of work, but they are short staffed at the moment. I finally have a username and password to log into the computer system there too. What is funny is that I have had one for a while now and no one knew. I have had countless people have to sign me into the system when I could have done it myself the whole time.
The big change at the Red Cross will not only be a huge responsibility but will quite likely get me “out there”. My longtime readers know what a huge Browncoat I am. I was talking to the new Media Director about "Firefly" and the fandom (she is a Sci-Fi fan). One of the big aspects of the fandom is holding screenings of the movie Serenity for charity.
Granted those screenings are mainly held for a certain charity, Equality Now. Screenings have been held for other charities however. The Media Director wants to put me in charge of setting up a screening to benefit the Red Cross. She is looking more to reach out to younger people to try and get new volunteers, but raising a few bucks would be a plus. My dear and fluffy lord what a responsibility! I think I know where to start (and where to go to ask for help), but the idea is overwhelming to say the least.
And of course there is always the book. Slacking off or not, it is there and I will finish it. For my own good it will be done.
Right now I’m just perched on a branch flapping my wings, testing them, eyeing the ground. Sooner or later (and it looks like sooner) I’m going to have to take that leap though, or rather several different leaps in different areas. Will I manage to fly? Will I fall flat on my face? If I do the latter at least I won’t break my neck in the process.
I know damn well not to live my life in fear. Granted aspects of fear (PTSD, panic attacks, and now anxiety) have been a huge part of my life for years now. I still try not to let it rule my life. In all honesty it has and does to a degree though. After facing death a couple of times I know how precious and short life is. I know all too well that anything can happen. If you let it that anything can be a good thing though, something wonderful.
At least this time when I jump it will be towards something and not out of a burning building. And at least if I crash and burn (not that I expect to) I won’t end up with broken bones and on a burn unit. It will still hurt if I do. That’s a given. But I’ll be damned if that will stop me from trying.
*The title of this post comes from Tom Petty’s song “Learning To Fly”.
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
"Learning To Fly"
Well I started out down a dirty road
Started out all alone
And the sun went down as I crossed the hill
The town lit up the world got still
I'm learning to fly but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing
Well the good old days may not return
And the rocks might melt, and the sea may burn
I'm learning to fly but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing
Well some say life will beat you down
Break your heart, steal your crown
So I started out for God knows where
But I guess I'll know when I get there
I'm learning to fly around the clouds
But what goes up must come down
I'm learning to fly but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing
I'm learning to fly around the clouds
But what goes up must come down
I'm learning to fly
I'm learning to fly
I am adjusting to my new glasses. I still have some odd focusing moments, and I need to go have my glasses adjusted because they are a little loose and slightly crooked, but otherwise I like them a lot (and thank you for all of your compliments on them).
I finally got my referral to see the endocrinologist. The appointment is in September. *rolls eyes*
I get to see my therapist again today. I think I have managed well without her. She is in for an earful when I see her though. I have missed our sessions and the wisdom and insight I have gained from them. We have a lot of catching up to do and I think that is a good thing.
I was working on my book the other night and I got thoroughly pissed off and had to put it down. I was at the part about my involuntary commitment, and the crappy treatment I got at the outpatient clinic. I don’t think I’ll have my first draft finished as soon as I thought I would. This is the hard part and I am slacking off now and then (slack on, slack off, The Slacker!). I need to just get to it.
Anyway I became completely convinced that my writing is total and utter crap. Don’t worry, this does not mean that I am going to stop working. Then I got an email from my Mom. She had sent me the part she had written as a contribution to my book. She is the first one to do so. Getting the others I’ve asked to contribute to cooperate is like herding cats. Oh well, I am asking them for a favor after all. And I digress as always…
I read what my Mom had written. Changes had to be made. Most of them were minor grammatical errors. I have discovered that my otherwise intelligent Mother is a habitual comma abuser. Granted I tend to under use commas. I had an English teacher drill it into my head that it is better to under use commas rather than over use them. I also tend to write like I talk, in run on sentences.
So I fixed my Mom’s mistakes, corrected her on a couple of facts she got wrong, and sent it back to her for her approval. I know I did not change much but I still wanted an ok from her. Her reply was “Wow, this really flows well now.” It hit me that I might be good at this writing thing after all. I also remembered my Mom telling me for as long as I can remember that my 3rd grade teacher swore I would be a best-selling author when I grew up.
I have always dreamed of writing, but fiction. Not the story of my own life. Dreams change though. Do you remember when you dreamed as a kid? I used to dream of flying all the time. I think the last time I dreamt about flying was in college. If I remember correctly I grabbed the top of a tree in my dream to keep myself from going too high. I haven’t had a flying dream since. On the flip side at least I haven’t had a falling dream either (Thank you God!).
Things change though don’t they? That’s life. I have so many changes facing me right now. It’s like I am learning to fly. I will do my best to keep myself from holding onto something, holding myself back. It is frightening and exhilarating.
A big change has to do with my personal life. It’s tied to the visitor I have coming in a couple of weeks. I am very excited. I am also putting myself out there at a time when I feel very vulnerable. I’m pretty sure I am in good hands though. I’ll get into it more later. Right now it is really too soon to talk about that.
Another couple of changes have to do with my work at the Red Cross. One is just minor but kind of an honor. I have been allowed to do some data entry in the accounting area (donations mainly). Usually they don’t have volunteers do this kind of work, but they are short staffed at the moment. I finally have a username and password to log into the computer system there too. What is funny is that I have had one for a while now and no one knew. I have had countless people have to sign me into the system when I could have done it myself the whole time.
The big change at the Red Cross will not only be a huge responsibility but will quite likely get me “out there”. My longtime readers know what a huge Browncoat I am. I was talking to the new Media Director about "Firefly" and the fandom (she is a Sci-Fi fan). One of the big aspects of the fandom is holding screenings of the movie Serenity for charity.
Granted those screenings are mainly held for a certain charity, Equality Now. Screenings have been held for other charities however. The Media Director wants to put me in charge of setting up a screening to benefit the Red Cross. She is looking more to reach out to younger people to try and get new volunteers, but raising a few bucks would be a plus. My dear and fluffy lord what a responsibility! I think I know where to start (and where to go to ask for help), but the idea is overwhelming to say the least.
And of course there is always the book. Slacking off or not, it is there and I will finish it. For my own good it will be done.
Right now I’m just perched on a branch flapping my wings, testing them, eyeing the ground. Sooner or later (and it looks like sooner) I’m going to have to take that leap though, or rather several different leaps in different areas. Will I manage to fly? Will I fall flat on my face? If I do the latter at least I won’t break my neck in the process.
I know damn well not to live my life in fear. Granted aspects of fear (PTSD, panic attacks, and now anxiety) have been a huge part of my life for years now. I still try not to let it rule my life. In all honesty it has and does to a degree though. After facing death a couple of times I know how precious and short life is. I know all too well that anything can happen. If you let it that anything can be a good thing though, something wonderful.
At least this time when I jump it will be towards something and not out of a burning building. And at least if I crash and burn (not that I expect to) I won’t end up with broken bones and on a burn unit. It will still hurt if I do. That’s a given. But I’ll be damned if that will stop me from trying.
*The title of this post comes from Tom Petty’s song “Learning To Fly”.
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
"Learning To Fly"
Well I started out down a dirty road
Started out all alone
And the sun went down as I crossed the hill
The town lit up the world got still
I'm learning to fly but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing
Well the good old days may not return
And the rocks might melt, and the sea may burn
I'm learning to fly but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing
Well some say life will beat you down
Break your heart, steal your crown
So I started out for God knows where
But I guess I'll know when I get there
I'm learning to fly around the clouds
But what goes up must come down
I'm learning to fly but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing
I'm learning to fly around the clouds
But what goes up must come down
I'm learning to fly
I'm learning to fly
posted by whimsical brainpan at 3:51 AM
21 Comments:
I can feel lots of positive-ness in this post, and i feel happy cuz of that.
It's okay to slack off during the hard parts. You need it.
Indigo Incarnates
I need to get my rear-end in gear on my book too. I have been writing for three years but slacked off a few months ago (when Jewel died). I know I need to move on and get back to it.
i love hearing you sound so positive.
i also thing it's great that you can organize an event for the red cross that is right up your alley. and yes, everybody slacks off when it gets tough. but you know you are not going to quit and that's what counts.
foam
I blogged here at blogger.com for nearly two years, and somewhere along that way I "met" you. There have been times when my heart ached for you, when I wanted to pick you up and try to convince you that things would get better. Well, I would have been right. You have begun to truly shine.
I love this post.
Things change though don’t they? That’s life. I have so many changes facing me right now. It’s like I am learning to fly. I will do my best to keep myself from holding onto something, holding myself back. It is frightening and exhilarating. And the final paragraph...
This will sound like schmaltzy crap, but Whim, you are like a bud too long dormant, opening into a beautiful flower. (And probably I over-did the commas as well as the metaphor...) ; ) All I can say is a raucous YOU GO GIRL!
When you publish your book, I want to be at your "meet the author" party. I want to buy a signed copy, and if anyone asks how I know you, I want to say, "Well, I'm an ornithologist with a special interest in soaring birds."
Fly silly seabird
No dreams can possess you
No voices can blame you
For sun on your wings
My gentle relations
Have names they must call me
For loving the freedom
Of all flying things
My dreams with the seagulls fly
Out of reach out of cry
What a great post. I love that so much is going on in your life and it feels so positive. I'm most curious about your secret visitor...but I know we'll hear when the time is right.
As for the Ms Slacker part of your personality, it sounds like you are taking a short break...but not totally slacking. After all, you are in the process of writing a book. A slacker would still be thinking about writing a book. LOL
Wow! whatta post! (great song too..funny we just downloaded it last night!)
Lots of big steps and great leaps, this is a year of change for everyone it seems. =)
After reading some of your older posts, it's a relief to read one containing so many positive things!
All writers have periods when they wonder if their writing is really good enough, or when they just don't want to face the project their currently working on. Slacking off is perfectly fine. It's your book, and if you try and force yourself to write it when you're really not feeling up to it then it will begin to feel like a chore you're being forced to do as punishment. That's my opinion anyway.
Yes... Things change, and with them so do your dreams. It's a shame though. Children are so full of hopes and dreams. Then they grow up, and many of those dreams are lost forever.
This is wonderful to read! You'll do well with the RC Benny, I know you will...there's a lot here that I relate to: big leaps, big changes, and too, many commas.
And other stuff.*smiley icon*
You are sounding so positive and *happy* in your writings these last two posts. That is so great. Maybe it is not so much slacking as having more good stuff roving in your brain and your life.
It's nice thatyour Mom made that comment - sometimes an off-hand unsolicted compliment is the most affirming kind.
I think you are amazing! I look forward to your book.
Came to wish You a
Lovely Midsummer Eve :-p
(( hugs ))
Fly into friendship and trust! Fly into the pages of your book! Fly into the data entry system at the Red Cross!
Your learning to fly metaphor is an apt for for living fully and beautifully. You already have an ID and a password. You've earned them both.
Your blog is beautiful. You are beautiful.
(((HUGS))) Whim, you are making such incredible progress!!!! I'm so happy to see you pushing your boundaries and growing beyond them. (And, DAMN does that sound patronizing! Sorry. But, it's true that I'm very impressed by the way you're able to work through your issues and continue pushing at them. If everybody had the strength that you do, I don't think there would be a drug or alcohol abuse problem in this world.)
Anyway. It's great to see you recognize and acknowledge your issues (the slacker bit on your book, for example) and know that you won't let it get you down permanently, it's only a temporary thing. Again with the (((HUGS))). I hope you have a FANTASTIC Solstice weekend!
I am very pleased and happy to read this post. May the absolute best happen to u; i would pray for that.
Yeah i too love flying. The very feeling of gliding in the sky feeling absolute light, wind swishing ur face.
God bless you.
Lots of love.
I'm not surprised at any of it. I'm just happy you seem to be leaning into it. Keep going.....
ooooh sounds good!
I have new specs too - focus problems as well! But may I say, my dear, you are one beautiful woman. The photos of you in your glasses...phwooooar!
I hope that you not only learn to fly...you learn to soar
xx
pinks
Whim, please know that there are so many times I do not comment on your blog simply because anything I could say pales in comparison to what you have said.
I find it amazing that what you have been through has essentially steeled you against anything that life may throw at you in the future. "Yes, it's scary, and it could be very bad. But it's not as scary and bad as something I once went through. Let me tell you about it..."
Well, you know where I'm at with this writing thing. I did manage to overcome an emotional hurdle and get through one part that was eating me alive. Even in fiction, you are there. But now I have to pay attention to my job.
I think it's going to hurt and there are days we just can't deal. We are human.
Good stuff all over the place! :)
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