The Journey

Almost every time I see my therapist it seems like she has some new approach that she takes with me. I think it not only indicates that she is an excellent therapist, but that she knows I am a semi-intelligent person who has been in therapy for years as well. The usual talk just doesn’t do it for me anymore.

This isn’t to say that I don’t talk. I do. I talk her damn ear off sometimes. But she usually comes back with something new every time I visit her. And that is part of the reason I think I have made so much progress under her care. She is quite good at helping me to see things from a different perspective.

On Thursday I came in and discussed a lot of things that are going on in my life right now. Of course the book was mentioned (I got to a stopping point last weekend but was able to work through it this weekend) along with some other crap I’m not going to go into here.

We discussed the journey I am on; a main topic of conversation between us ever since I’ve started writing the book. Well since I started writing the book and we realized the impact it was having on my life and recovery. She asked me to visualize the landscape of the journey I was on and to describe it to her. I had no problem doing this. The second she asked me to picture a landscape an image immediately came to mind.

I told her that it was a grey, rocky, desolate place. She asked me if I saw anything else and I told her that there were mountains off in the distance. When she asked what kind of mountains I told her they were green, rolling, beautiful mountains like we have around here with one or two big, rocky, snow covered ones behind them for a nice visual effect (hey it’s my landscape, I can make it what I want).

Since the mountains were obviously my destination (it is where I live after all) she asked me how far off they were. I told her that it was impossible to judge that kind of thing. They could be very far off or kind of far. I knew the mountains weren’t near quite yet but they were not an impossible distance away either.

She then focused on the landscape I was in. I told her there were no trees, maybe scraggly bushes here and there. There was little grass and most of the vegetation was the lichen growing on the rocks. Mainly it was just rocks and dirt. Some of the rocks were large boulders, some were in piles, and some could even be big enough to be considered hills I guess.

She asked me if I had anyone with me for company. I thought that was an odd question and told her so, considering that this is a journey that I have to take alone. My therapist then brought up the subject of me running into my shadow self. I laughed at that. I may have internalized a lot of what I have been through but I have dealt with my shadow self and I know her well. I am comfortable with her (sometimes I wonder if maybe I’m a little too comfortable). If we meet it will not be a problem.

Since I had brought up comfort my therapist then asked if I had anything with me on the journey for comfort. I thought that was another weird question. This journey is not about comfort. I told her that I thought if I tried to make it comfortable wouldn’t I just be avoiding what I had to experience. This journey is about dealing with what I had buried for so long. I told her that I did have a backpack with what I needed to get through the journey.

I’m not quite sure what she made of what I had described to her. I do know she was pretty impressed with the details and my knowledge of what I had and what I didn’t. I thought it was a fun exercise. I like to peek into my head in new ways. I always learn something.

All of this reminds me of a song I’ve had stuck in my head recently. I told my therapist about it. It’s done by XTC, one of my top five all-time favorite bands (they also perform one of the three love songs that take my breath away). I have loved them since college and at one point had every album they had released. Anyway the song is called “The Man Who Sailed Around His Soul”, and it’s about a guy who takes an inner journey. Granted I think what he finds is much more surprising to him and a lot less pleasant than what I am going through. I kind of knew what to expect from my inner journey. Still it’s a great song. I wish I could have found a version with better sound quality but I was kind of surprised to find it at all.



"The Man Who Sailed Around His Soul"
XTC

The man who sailed around his soul
From East to West, from pole to pole
With ego as his drunken captain
Greed, the mutineer, had trapped all reason in the hold

The man who walked across his heart
Who took no compass, guide or chart
To rope and tar his blood congealed
When he found his self revealed ugly and cold

And the sirens that sing
By your nose with its ring
They'll drag you in
For your sins

Now he sits all alone
And it's no place like home
It's empty skin
A bag to keep life's souvenirs in
The man who sailed around his soul
The man who sailed around his soul

The man who sailed around his soul
Came back again to find a hole
Where once he thought compassion and the truth
Had laid to warm his freezing carcass on return

The man who walked across his heart
Was doomed to journey from the start
Of every love affair he'd broken
All the lies he'd ever spoken
Tattooed on his arm

And the jellyfish stings
Even angels with wings
Who look too deep
And dare to peep

Now he sits all alone
Knowing flesh blood and bone
Is everything
He found the treasure he'd been seeking
The man who sailed around his soul (x6)